The Ridiculous Business Jargon Dictionary: C-words

Do you wonder where your co-workers picked up all the ridiculous things they say? From fresh-faced interns to top management, everyone drops one of these gems occasionally. We can only hope that you're not here to actually add buzzwords to your vocabulary.

C-level [adj.]	Describes the people at the top of a company that get fancy 'C' titles such as C.E.O., C.F.O., and C.O.O.
Cabinet condom [n.]	Tape applied to the button of a filing cabinet to prevent it from being locked (since the key has long since disappeared.)
Cadence [n.]	A far too poetic way to describe how often a scheduled event is repeated. "If we just hit the right cadence on our sprint meetings…" Suggested by brat.
Cafeteria plan [n.]	A package of benefits that allows the employee to make choices.
Calendar tickler [n.]	A calendar entry with a reminder alarm. Usually sent as an Outlook meeting request. "Throw a tickler on my calendar so I don't forget to join the call." Suggested by Erika S.
Call on the carpet [v.]	To discipline. "If you keep exaggerating your expenses, it's only a matter of time before you get the carpet call."
Can I stir fry an idea in your think-wok? [exp.]	Could I have your opinion on this issue?
Cannibalize [v.]	To launch a new product that takes market share away from one's own established products.
Capsizing [v.]	Laying-off employees (downsizing) to the point where an organization can no longer function.
Captive lunch [n.]	When management wheels in the sandwiches at 12pm, just when you thought you could escape to run a few errands. Suggested by Tom T.
Care [n.]	Synonym for 'concern'. Used by managers who don't want to admit to having concerns. "I have a care about this budget decrease." Suggested by NoTable.
Career Limiting Move (CLM) [n.]	An action or comment that could hinder the future progression of one's career.
Career suicide [n.]	An action that causes you to lose both your current job, and any chance you'll find another one in your field. "If you blow the whistle on this, it's career suicide."
Carpool tunnel syndrome [n.]	The semi-conscious state that is the result of repeated early morning ride sharing.
Carrots and sticks [n.]	Incentives and punishments. "If you want to motivate these clowns, try less carrot and more stick."
Carte blanche [exp.]	The freedom to make any and all decisions.
Cascade [v.]	Disseminate, for people who aren't comfortable saying the word disseminate. "Document the learning and cascade it down the ranks." Suggested by Robin G.
CFO [n.]	Chief Finagle Officer. The person who's responsible for manipulating a company's finances to avoid legal penalties.
Chainsaw consultant [n.]	Someone brought in to do management's dirty work at lay-off time.
Change agent [n.]	Someone who claims to be a catalyst for improvement and the adoption of new technologies.
Change management [v.]	The act of guiding a company through internal or external changes. Suggested by Clive N
Charm school [n.]	A derogatory term for new manager training. "After the harassment case, my boss was shipped off to charm school."
Chartists [n.]	Market analysts who feel that they can beat the market by reading graphs.
Chasing butterflies [v.]	A state of distraction experienced by those who are easily distracted. "Jim never finishes anything; he's off CB again." Suggested by Brian.
Chasing down smokestacks [exp.]	Placing sales calls to industrial companies.
Checked Eskimo [v.]	When a clearly unqualified individual lands a job or promotion they should have had no chance at getting, that person must have "checked eskimo" on the application. Suggested by David.
Cheese chew [v.]	Performing an unwelcome chore to please another. Suggested by Rob T.
Chicken shop [n.]	A department or company that produces substandard work. "Their parts had a 20% scrap rate last quarter. I'm never dealing with that chicken shop again." Suggested by Rod SW.
Chime in [v.]	A timid little way of indicating that you have a point to make. "Can I just chime in on that one?" Alternative: Just start talking. Suggested by Jerry P.
Chinese fire drill [n.]	A project or meeting that is characterized by frantic confusion. Suggested by Jacada.
Chinese wall [exp.]	Procedures to guard information.
Circle-back [v.]	To revisit an issue. "I'm heading to lunch now, but let's circle-back Friday am." Suggested by Randi
Circular file [n.]	The garbage can. "Toss that newsletter in the circular file for me."
Circular firing squad [n.]	A dysfunctional group that's on the verge of collapse because of infighting and bickering.
Cleans up well [adj.]	Describes a technician or software developer who can actually speak with the customer without embarrassing the company.
Clock tower attrition [n.]	Rapid-fire job cuts at the hands of an overzealous manager. Suggested by kramtronix.
Clocksucker [n.]	A completely unproductive employee; a waste of company money. Suggested by Lee.
Close of play [n.]	The end of the workday. "You have until close of play Thursday to make it right, or I'll have to write you up." Suggested by Bill F.
Coal face [n.]	The department that actually works to deliver products and interact with clients. "Give me an opinion from someone at the coal face." Suggested by Joel
COB [n.]	Close Of Business. That magic moment that comes but once each day -- quitting time. Suggested by our spies at a Fortune 100.
Cold towel [n.]	To put on hold. "Let's cold towel your feedback until you get back next week." Suggested by Gordon.
Color outside the lines [v.]	To ignore established rules/limits of behavior. Pseudo-profound boss says, "The lines haven't changed, your coloring has." Suggested by Catherine
Column-shaking [v.]	Threatening to uproot the traditions (or bad habits) of a company, usually with new and unconventional ideas.
Come to Jesus meeting [n.]	A term of southern American origin that refers to a serious meeting with an individual or team. These meetings often involve ultimatums for performance improvement. Suggested by aclassicgirl.
Commonplate [v.]	To present a topic for consideration, so that all members of a group have the same information. "Now that I've commonplated the issue, can we come to a reasonable decision?"
Comp [adj.]	The cool way to say complimentary.
Compliment sandwich [n.]	A pointed criticism delivered between two compliments to dull the blow. Build them up, tear them down, then leave on a positive note. Suggested by Jeff B.
Cone of Silence [n.]	Indicates a private, confidential conversation. "I have something important to share with you. Can we put on the Cone of Silence?" Suggested by Jonathon T.
Connectivity [n.]	The extent of one's professional network. "The right equity partner will deliver on their connectivity from day zero."
Contemplation [n.]	Thought or group consensus. "Just spoke with management and the contemplation is that we're behind schedule."
Contraction [n.]	Widespread layoffs. "In order to prepare the organization for sale, all employees should brace for further contraction." Suggested by Elizabeth M.
Contrarian [n.]	An investor who makes decisions in opposition to mainstream ideas.
Cook the books [v.]	A fraudulent attempt to falsify company records.
Cookie cutter [adj.]	A generic person, product or approach. "I'm so tired of these cookie cutter b-school grads."
Cooperative competition [n.]	A classic management oxymoron presumably referring to mutual benefits experienced by two competing firms.
Coopetition [n.]	The ruthless struggle between an organization's departments for limited budget dollars, staff and equipment, despite the fact that everyone involved should be supporting the overall mission. Suggested by Aidan.
Core competencies [n.]	A company's most successful skills and activities. Often leveraged.
Corporate memory [n.]	The entire set of company files and records. "Never in corporate memory has the board been so disrespected." Suggested by Eimear B.
Cost containment [n.]	An attempt to reduce expenditures.
Counterposing [v.]	When ground-level staff outwit management by using more jargon, more pointless questions, and more vague commitments than their superiors. Suggested by Captn Freedom.
Covered-off [adj.]	Describes something that has been completed or otherwise taken care of. "Let's make sure those requirements are covered-off." Suggested by Garry.
Cowboy [n.]	A worker that is difficult to supervise.
CPB [v.]	Conducting Personal Business. Using company resources and time for things that aren't work-related (there's a good chance you're doing it right now).
CPS [n.]	Cheap Plastic Shit. Promotional items (often made of plastic) distributed through advertising, corporate gifts, trade shows, or other give-away programs. Suggested by Jocelyn S.
Craft [n.]	An insufferable way to refer to your line of work. "Honing your craft...? First of all, data entry is not a craft. And you're really not much of a honer."
Createalytics [n.]	The art of manipulating data to support a preconceived decision.
Creative [n.]	An art or design asset. "Call the vendor and push a rework on the creative." Suggested by Jamie
Critical mass [n.]	1) The point reached by a new idea or product just prior to explosive market growth. 2) The point when an issue can no longer be avoided and must be addressed immediately.
Critical mass [n.]	Enough. "My instructions were clear: Don't stop hiring until staffing reaches critical mass." Suggested by Hugh Y.
Criticality [n.]	An extreme level of importance. "I cannot emphasize the criticality of this issue enough." Suggested by Shane H.
Cronyism [n.]	Playing favorites among close associates.
Cross sabers [v.]	To have a conflict.
Cross-pollination [n.]	The generation of ideas that can occur when individuals from diverse backgrounds are brought together. "By removing your cubicle walls, we hope to cultivate the opportunity for cross-pollination."
Cross-training [v.]	Learning a colleague's job so you can perform it, in addition to your own, when they disappear during vacation, maternity leave, or the latest round of layoffs. Suggested by Isabella.
Cubicle vultures [n.]	Those who gather office supplies from the desk of a fired co-worker.
Curate [v.]	Adds a whiff of sophistication to any mundane selection process. "As Chief Social Media Jedi, you'll be deeply involved in curating our Pinterest identity. Suggested by mcdermott
Customer intimacy [n.]	A measure of how well a company knows its client base. Protip: Never say "customer intimacy" in front of the customer.
Cut the mustard [exp.]	To perform adequately.
CYA [v.]	Cover Your Ass. To exercise caution to avoid blame. "You better CYA on this one. We can't afford the bad press."
Cyberslacking [v.]	Wasting company time by casually browsing the Internet or instant messaging. Suggested by Mike.
Cycle [n.]	An employee's time, broken down into sections. "I'll have to check if she has any free cycles for this task." Suggested by Renee.