By: Jayce Scott
These days many a young professional, college graduate, X or Y generation type and generally most twenty to thirty-somethings are still trying to figure out their lives. Are you a member of this esteemed and clueless group? If so, to your chagrin, the “real world” is composed of plummeting metabolism rates, less social interactions and recouping abilities from a late night, increasing debt, tiny office cubicles and far too many responsibilities!
What were you thinking when you left college utopia?
We have all seen the college t-shirts and posters featuring John Belushi’s Animal House character stating, “College. The best 4, 5, 6 years of your life!” The lesson also remains the same: College is a state of mind. Be it…live it…become part of it again.
Alas, most of us cannot literally go back or hold time still. Not without some serious medication that is. Yet, we can bypass the calamity filled twenties and thirties and grow up entirely with a college outlook and a coed life-affirming existence. It is all a matter of perspective. Don’t be a fool…GO BACK TO SCHOOL!
Recapture your college self, the same frivolous, frolicking and forever youthful world that you called home for however many years. Like a syllabus from times gone by, follow these 101 hints and return to the alma mater ways:
1. Take a community college course…attend, sleep, bail early and skip often
2. Hang out at Kinko's
3. Repeat to yourself daily: “risk management is for chumps”
4. Use the copy machine for unintended purposes
5. Avoid responsibility for your life…for the time being at least
6. Interject the phrase “real world” into conversation
7. Bear in mind that like a multiple choice exam, the answer to life is E. All the above
8. Bum food, drinks and “borrow” anything not nailed down at the office
9. Think in terms of semesters not fiscal quarters
10. Dating – even if you have a significant other, remember life is like a mile long salad bar, that girlfriend of yours is like the sneeze guard and you don’t even like salad. So hook up often as you feel the need.
11. Buy it, wear it…and then return it
12. Practice the art of spring break, plagiarizing and road tripping
13. Sexual harassment is just hazing in another form. You can still get busted, yet it’s just as much fun
14. Check “student” on the jury duty form
15. Keep a dead potted plant around your home and/or cubicle
16. Don’t become a D.I.N.K. - Double Income No Kids
17. Like your major…change jobs often
18. Ask people to save quarters for your laundry
19. Recall in college, 13 hours was a "full" load...you’re working 40+ now
20. With every restaurant meal check, first convert and then loudly proclaim how many bean burritos you could have bought with that kind of dough
21. Buy some cheap dorm furniture or frequent campus dumpsters in May…also build a loft for your bed
22. Watch Comedy Central, Nicktoons and the Cartoon Network religiously
23. Get some fast cash from selling books or blood…and use that semen for profit not just the Kleenex
24. Look at your bills as if they were tuition fees. You remember them: computer facilities fee, health center fee, KY lubricant fee, general oxygen use fee, absorption of light fee…
25. Go to a party where you do not know a soul and drink their beer
26. Sponsor a campus cause - really, how many whales, gay Eskimos or rain forests can you promote, discriminate, save or abuse?
27. Consume a Jell-O Shot every once in a while
28. Have a standard gray keg trash can on the porch
29. Obfuscate yourself…go ahead look the word up
30. Take naps…lots of naps
31. Christmas lights are for all year long and to be on all night
32. Like your senior year, keep a copy your resume on disk wherever you go
33. Lower your standards on everything from dating and hygiene to food and the quality of booze
34. Consider a morning office meeting like a pop quiz – don’t come prepared
35. Read and absorb gross amounts of information in short periods of time, regurgitate and then completely forget
36. Break out or start anew the shot glass collection…sigh….good times
37. Your car backseat should contain the following: crumpled scantrons, a water balloon launcher, spiral notebooks, dirty clothes and fast food wrappers
38. Pick up a new or used vice that you know your parents will hate
39. Justify the margins on your TPS reports and in your life…and thereby making them more important or bigger than they really are
40. Start the weekend on Wednesday night
41. Eat off a cafeteria tray
42. Use your college ID for any and all student discounts and specials
43. Do something everyday that you can be ashamed of tomorrow
44. Have questionable motives for your actions, thoughts and beliefs
45. One word: Exhibitionism
46. Ask to be carded
47. Refer to new employees as plebes, fish or freshmen
48. Overuse of the saying “beer before liquor never been sicker”
49. Don’t option for a starter marriage
50. Write checks for less than five bucks
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